feeling off again

today i am feeling a bit off again..i have no idea why..have this itchy feeling in my heart saying that something is wrong...is it because that i nearly skip moral to search a book that cant be found in the campus?! I wonder....before that i am worry as well as this morning I have been called to answer a question from my bio lecturer due to my big mouth.....as for every answer that we cant get,he will call us to stand for the whole period..and i nearly got that punishment. But GOD is beside me today....so i am feeling better after that...that feeling has not been in my heart since i was in standard 2....the feeling to cry.....this particular feeling has a bit of feeling from fear,terror,and have no idea how to answer a question...this feeling is the worst as it make me weak and scared that i will be call again for the next question....ever since that,i was very quite and scared....what if the lecturers ask us too much question for A person..will they chase us out from the class? will they have even worst punishment than throwing us from the class? These question has been pop up in my head for sometimes..... after my college,i went back home with that feeling..

during that time,my mom ask me lots of question with many uncertainty in my mind....what should i study after A-level? where should i go after this? i have no goal in mind except playing to music and feel nature.....my cousin have already decide on what he suppose to do with the help of his parents....TT.....i felt scared...what is the future lies in front of me...what is the reason that i am alive...what is my fate?! in class i felt i have no communication with my classmate much...is it really because that without the knowledge from the outside world i cant communicate with them? or am i just too old fashioned to anything on what they say.....i felt hopeless and lonely...to be alone in the darkness is a very scary thing...as hallucination will float around  when you are careless.....the scariest thing among all is no 1 is there beside you....not even a single living things..only darkness...is a scary feeling.....someone help me...please...really scared

will there be light in my life?! will i have friends?! that will try stay beside me when i am in trouble?! my dad said to me once...

IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE,YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A SINGLE FRIEND..WHO HAVE BEEN WITH YOU THEY WILL LEAVE YOU 1 DAY

this is really a scary thing to hear...i dun wan to be alone...not again...i dun wan to be alone..please..TT...i beg for mercy....i dun wan that feeling again....if that happen again...let me have a silent death...there is no point of living if there is no friends to share with...even though families are people as well but they are only helpful to a certain extension....i dun wan to trap into darkness again...please...TT..someone show me the way out from the abyss...the feeling is unbearable..is actually mental torture....someone end it for me by cursing me or kill me...just do something to end my torture...(crying and shouting)


LET ME OUT...LET ME OUT FROM THE DARKNESS...I DUN WAN TO STAY IN HERE ANYMORE...PLEASE..LET ME OUT..LET ME SEE THE LIGHT THAT PEOPLE SAY IS WARM...PLEASE...(SHOUTING and sitting at a corner crying)

to do or not to do:thats the question

SHAKESPEARE VERION
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action. - Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.

MY VERSION

to do or not to do; that is the question,

whether this biology should be in my mind to suffer,

the DNA and RNA of the outrageous knowledge,

or to know the structure of the plant which is troublesome,

just to destroying yourself..TO DIE for eternal slumber

no more; and by sleep to say we end

the heart-ache like a thousand shock that we have

that blood is heir to; this is just coincidence

destroyed by wish: to die; to sleep

to sleep; purchase comfy bed and we will dream

for in that comfy nap,what nightmare we will have

when we have got through the unbelievable nightmare

must wake up so we can move on

thats makes us a person to live

for who would bare these nightmare beside us

 parents no,only ourself able to overcome

the fangs that lie in us no one will know

the insolence of the traitors and the people to their leader

the victims cries on their unworthy death

when the leader did nothing but to protect himself

with his army? life will be perish

the only road that has not been touch

only able to be seen after dying

which puzzle us,whether where we will go to

thus cowards we become and says nonsense

with that we rise,to bear the life passed by

so that lives have passed shall not be thrown aside

for their sacrifices,the country shall be safe

for their love ones; they will fight

to everyone that we suppose to care

shall be the last that we will care

as life pass on for what we have done

tomorrow will come without a doubt

so be strong to live and cry

the consequences is not a crime

as 1 long live,thou shall be care

to care to nag is a mothers job

for what our mother earth tries to do

we ignore it just for our pleasure

thus cause mother to be angry at us

by causing earthquake tsunami and volcanic eruption

life for us as we known will be gone

so let us keep our mother happy 

by recycle reuse the garbage we have used

with that I shall end my poem

hope that people will understand

for i wrote this poem not for comfort or nothing to do

but to care and to sleep with a peaceful night

as people dies in everyday life

some dies with an unworthy death

thus pray for peace and safety for other country

for 1 day we shall achieve

PEACE will be the one we shall after

complains....

today i am very happy but sad as well....why?! I am happy because i did my experiments correctly today but some of the experiments results are a bit off...T.T..... haihz...what to do when u did not prepare properly....O WELL....thats was my 1st complain.....

2nd complain is when we are choosing the BIO class representative and assistant....i was sad because they chose both brandon and they just pick me as the assistant representative just to save time and voice it was sad...every1 say that should be a girl representative but instead they chose me....what the say?!

TIGER(dun knw the girl real name)> BECAUSE YOU ARE A GIRL MA....

TT...really sad...cause people think me as a girl...am i like 1?? why do I always ask question to myself... my sis thinks that i am crazy cause i am speaking to myself everytime......i mostly on the computer which makes me a bit out of shape and not knowing what happen to the outside world.....this is bad i know but only computer and some of my close friends able to comfort me.....some make jokes some make confession bout their love life to me....i feel like i am a love doctor..haha.....but truthfully i do not want to be a 'love doctor'  because there is too much things to do in life and some stupid fellow can't control their love life....is really irritating sometimes to see some1 who have break up with their bf/gf and ask me for advises....this is really annoying to be exact...

3rd complain i got is my closest friend who use to be shorter than me but suddenly puberty strike him.....now he is around my height...though i am happy for him because now nobody can call him shorty anymore...(chuckle) HOWEVER,when i let him read my blog...he start to complain to me...WHY AM I NOT THERE 1?!....ZZZ....he is not there means he is not there la....why come find me for....haha...i was actually hoping that he can get more As than me but fate screw as all again..haha....for him BASKETBALL is everything...

4th complain....wow i can't believe i got so many complains.....well...no i don't.....i remembered something from the past....when i was in primary school i was a cry baby which makes me the most LOSER boy in the class....but thanks to the girls in my class and some boys i was able to live a happy childhood...i am glad that i am alive.....i remember i saw weng ming somewhere before.... he was 1 of the top class student and he was 1 of the basketball player? i dun remember bout that...

i felt like writing an essay..bout my life..haha....well they guy that complain in my 3rd complain is yap yee heng....he is actually a 'smart' boy at attracting hot chicks because he has his secret weapon....DIMPLE....THE MOST POWERFUL WEAPON FOR A BOY TO ATTRACT GIRLS.....he is also cute bet not as cute as a panda.....even though he has 'black eyes'....he is not a playboy but like to look at girl andwithout movement....SO GIRLS IN THE WORLD NO NEED TO BE SCARE AND JUST GO AND PINCH HIS FACE...HAHA...

but we can't always look back to the past....everything ends mean is the new beginning with a new life and a new adventure...(chuckle)

missing it

i felt something off today...not from college but from something else...something that i am missing and will never return no matter how hard i try to obtain it.....it was my school life....when i glanced back into the past,it make me wanna cry....all the best memory happen in high school.....i still remember when i was in form 3.....is was the first time that i snap and chase an indian fellow (THAMIL) around the school....he was really an irritating person who will never control his itchy hand....even though i always bring a weapon to school just to scare him but it was pointless...(chuckle) well in the end the ruler went missing..o well...it has serve its purpose..... from that day onwards,he never bother me much again because i can snap anytime.....during that time,every1 in my class told me to control myself....thats the 1st and the last time i snap in school or class....everything must have patients....thats what my dad always says...

Dad>CONTROL YOUR TEMPERE OR I AM GOIN TO WOLAP YOU THEN YOU KNOW

after that time,my temper has becoming more peaceful..is it because of meditation i always do or just my friends who always been wif me since form 1.....right now he is still my best friend and we have become 'brothers'..... 5 years together and i never thank him properly for taking care of me....not even a treat.....(chuckle)..feeling a bit sad cause i can't do anything 4 him but he did so much 4 me... during form 5.....he kena denggi.....and was hospitalize....after a few days i only know what happen to him....am i that useless??? i din't even know that he got that until the last day of his absent...but he still recover...thank GOD to that...bless him always..Xp

soon is the last day of school....GRADUATION...the person to my left is my brother.... EDWARD .....he might not look like it but he is a smart fellow...who actually did better than me...haha....i was actually hoping that he will get straight As so that he can get a scholarship and won't touble his mom on further studying but fate is cruel.... his parents was devorce and was living with his mom....his mom was a good person who care and love him and his brother....i was actually happy 4 them as they are 1 good family....was hoping my sis was like his brother...eventhough they fight but will not see eac other temper....the last day of school is making me sad because i am not going to see my brother after i have taken my spm result.....last time is was everyday but now is rare...feel a bit off

right now i am in college while he is working his butt off...(chuckle) here i meet new friends who are funny caring and most importantly........FUN..... example

DEENA>A GIRL WHO LIKE TORRES VERY MUCH JUSTIN BIEBER LOVER TOO

WENG MING>DANCER IN OUR CLASS...EVERYTHING IS BOUT DANCING

WEE MIN> KIND..WON'T BLAME PEOPLE MUCH

RACHEL> WIERD PERSON AS SHE DOES NOT LIKE MILK

WEI WEI>LOUDMOUTH

JAMES> 'LIKE' WENG MING AND IRRITATES HIM A LOT

SHAUN>NO IDEA WHAT TO COMMENT BOUT HIM

BRANDON LOO>MENTAL ATTACKER...ABLE TO DESTROY A PERSON MIND WITHOUT TOUCHING HIM OR HER

and etc etc...

these people are good people...they can't be describe with words at all...i just hope they won't be like my last classmate who always like to touch people 4 no reason..haha...well...b off...another day another memory to store in my mind..hope will have a good day tomorrow...XP...

results?

i feel a bit of since yesterday....y? bcauz ppl keep reminding me of the worst thing that ever happen to us...SPM...the feeling is so wrong that i cant feel wats rit n wrong..i knw that sentence is stupid....but wat to do...i am stupid....anyway...i been watching show to calm my nerve but my fren keep bugging me in msn n always remind me of that...EVEN THE RADIO IS REMINDING ME....Y LA?!...to watch the same show all over agn is making me crazy...CRAZY I TELL U....but wat to do the feeling will come anyway....

the next day..IT IS FINALLY HERE.....THE TIME HAS COME TO MEET MY DOOM S TIME PAZ..... 4 each second paz i feel like the reaper is near my neck wif its deadly scythe...w8ing to bhead me....

1030am> i hav reach at my skul.....evli1 is w8ing thr,,some came wif a smile..some came wif a anxious look....some even worst....DEAD LOOK....like me... haha...

1045 am> my frens are here...we chat we talk we laugh like we use to be but thr is a slight different....WE R ALL HAVING DIFFERENT LOOKS IN OUR FACE.....however...1 of my closest fren try something new...

ASHWIN: i am trying the sms system c its works or not.....i hope it does not.....(after a few min) OMG!!! My result.....OMG!! I GOT 7A+ AND 2 A?! I DUN BLIV THIS...OMG!!

EVLI1>WOW....CONGRATS ASHWIN CONGRATZ....

1100am>THE TIME HAS COME....THE MOMENT OF TRUTH....we all waited at my skuls hall until the teacher arrive but we w8ed a few minutes.....still GOD CAME.....she 1st say something really boring b4 giving us our results like take ur magazine etc etc....but we still get our result..... MY GOSH...THE FEW MINUTES FEELS LIKE MELLENIUM ...... the feeling is unbearable but i got my result.....

in the end, my brain is saying>spm....finished......result..........taken...how is it?...bad....how do i feel?......sad.....y? bcauz my bio is bad.....how bad was it?.....amazingly surprisingly bad....y do u feel that?...bcauz the EXAMINER MARKING is bad